Can't or Won't?

{13/04/2007}   so now i can’t take it back

"Maybe I’m doing this because words are indestructible. Maybe it’s because it’s final and once it’s there I can’t take it back. I can’t change my mind. I need to make it permanent."

6th April, 2007

Tonight was one of those nights, lacking in meaning in present but surely something i’ll cherish in the future.

I haven’t been feeling good, maybe it’s the time of the moon, maybe it’s that he’s back in my life, i don’t know. But tonight i looked at myself in the mirror, and i looked hard. Trying to find something, anything…special, different…i didn’t. But as i stood there looking at myself, holding back tears that wanted to spill down my face, there came a thought. Almost nothing at first, an idea begging to take form, unspeakable: I’m going to die alone.

I don’t say it for pity, or for someone to say it isn’t so. It just came to me like an undeniable truth. My tears fell down. I can’t deny it anymore, i know it’s the truth. And through the mist of my tears i saw myself for who i really am: an average girl. I’m not ugly (i won’t say that), but i’m not pretty also…i’m average. I’m not skinny nor am i fat…i’m average. I don’t know anything about culture, though i read a lot of books. I try hard, so hard to be strong, but i’m one of the most fragile people i know.

And it’s true, i am going to die alone. My friends all leave me, sooner or later. No guys ever fell in love with me, though i can’t blame them because i’ve never fallen either. My family loves me, but i always get the feeling they don’t know who i really am, and they don’t want to.

As the thought ran through my head my bones went cold and it hasn’t stopped since. Because i can’t take it. I can’t die alone. I’m tired of always being the one who holds people, never being held myself. I don’t want to die alone and i can’t give in my mask of strenght for then what would i have? Besides it just wouldn’t be me.

So i ask of you, what should i do? I  can’t change who i am (unbelievable or not i like who i am right now, and it took me a long time to acomplish that) and i can’t stand the way things are.

Am i to die alone or is there something i can do against it? And even if there is, should i do it? Maybe dying alone is what i deserve, maybe i was never meant to last this long (i’ve almost died 3 times), and that’s why i feel i don’t quite belong here, maybe that’s why i have this feeling.

I don’t have any real close friends anymore, and i don’t believe that "the Lord will save me", specially ’cause i don’t really believe in him. So what can i do?

What can i do to stop from falling into the abysm?

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